


eliyahu hanavi

by facingthenorthwind (spacegandalf)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Brit Milah, Jewish Aziraphale (Good Omens), Jewish Crowley (Good Omens), Judaism, M/M, good Omens is Jewish and so am i, post-armageddon't, so annoying when your enemy is immortal and cursed to always attend your favourite events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 13:05:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19724245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegandalf/pseuds/facingthenorthwind
Summary: Aziraphale loves attending britot milah. The only problem is that Eliyahu HaNavi is always there.





	eliyahu hanavi

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's that time you all knew was coming, it's "[fandom] but make it Jewish", my brand.
> 
> Lots of glossary items in the end notes! And if I've forgotten any let me know in the comments. 
> 
> I've done a bit of fudging of various concepts so that this can fit in with the "antichrist brings on armaggedon" premise.

Every single time Aziraphale attended a lifecycle event, he would swear to Crowley that this was his favourite. He would, without fail, cry when the parents of a bar or bat mitzvah told their child how proud they were; he would dance (terribly) at every wedding; and he always knew just what a mourner needed, whether it was an egg salad or a shoulder to cry on.

A brit milah was no exception, of course, and Aziraphale was always ready and willing to put on his Shabbat best and watch the glorious miracle of Jewish continuity. ("It's not a miracle, angel," Crowley said once, but Aziraphale set him right — after everything the Jews have been through, it is absolutely a miracle that they're still here.)

There was one minor flaw in a brit milah: Eliyahu HaNavi. Elijah the Prophet, as some called him, had his own chair at a circumcision, right next to the main action. He even got to hold the baby for a brief moment. Aziraphale was madly jealous, as even though the reality of babies was not exactly to his taste (the inevitable stains on his jacket!), the concept of a baby being ever-so-briefly placed on his lap filled him with joy.

Aziraphale and Eliyahu’s eyes would meet across the room, narrow in stubborn dislike, and at least a third of the time, Crowley would successfully arrange matters so they couldn't get into a shouting match.

The other two thirds of the time, they got into a shouting match.

At a seder, Eliyahu's role was blessedly small and he came in and went out in short order. At a brit milah, even though he could leave after the circumcision, he stayed for the entire party afterwards, eating all the good food and grumbling about the quality. It quite ruined the entire thing for Aziraphale, who didn't get invited to them very often. 

At this particular brit milah, even though Crowley had done his solemn duty of Not Allowing Eliyahu And Aziraphale To Make Eye Contact, Crowley ended up hearing about Eliyahu all the way home. Crowley had Fallen long before Eliyahu ever existed, so he’d never met him until he and Aziraphale began attending Jewish events together. (Crowley had usually taken the position that he was a demon and thus had absolutely no place at any Jewish rituals, not least because he couldn’t enter a synagogue without copious burns to his feet. Over the years, though, Aziraphale had wheedled him into attending the ones that took place at homes. Purely by coincidence, those also happened to be the two that Eliyahu also attended.) Eliyahu had technically never wronged him, but at this point he’d resigned himself to the fact that Aziraphale’s enemies were his enemies, in a broad sense. On their own side and all.

"He's so _mean_ ," Aziraphale said, his hands balled into fists. "He thinks so poorly of the Jewish people! You'd think that attending every single brit milah and seder for two and a half thousand years would be enough! Just because the Jews were perhaps not living up to his expectations during his mortal time on Earth doesn't mean he has to smear everyone that comes after with the same brush."

Crowley nodded and made affirmative noises. His input was not actually necessary for this ritual; Aziraphale had the same rant every time.

"I always thought that She had created his obligation as a kind of punishment, a way to shove how wrong he was under his nose. At this point I'm beginning to doubt, though — perhaps he's right, and he's supposed to check whether or not they're ready for mashiach. It doesn't seem at all fair that he's in charge of deciding. It's like putting, I don't know, Gabriel in charge of… well, anything, really. They both have such high standards that nothing could possibly live up to them and this whole time the Jewish people are trying their best, they really are!"

"Mmm," Crowley said.

"Also, the quality of the catering has nothing to do with mashiach and he absolutely knows it. It's quite frankly a — a sin that he brings it up every time."

"I thought the bagels were pretty good at this one," Crowley offered.

"They were! And there was that little bowl of dill so people could choose whether they wanted it or not. I always have half a mind to mention Eliyahu's conduct to the people Upstairs, but I'm not sure they'd even listen to me."

"Probably won't," Crowley said. "G— Who even knows what they think you are anymore. They might be expecting you to report Downstairs instead."

The absolutely horrified expression he was met with was worse than Crowley had imagined, and he instantly wished he hadn't said anything.

"But they would know! There's — there's paperwork when someone falls, I imagine. There's always paperwork," Aziraphale said, a little desperately.

"True," Crowley said, putting a hand in his pocket and bringing out a bread roll he had stolen from the party. "And you would know, obviously. I imagine your wings would look different, and you wouldn't feel so — so much like an angel."

"You would let me know if I began, ah, being… less angelic, right?"

"Of course," Crowley said, affronted at the idea he wouldn't. "You're right about there being paperwork, and I might have to be involved in it." He pulled a face. The fact that he'd receive a commendation for causing an angel to Fall didn't make the whole thing feel any better. He felt a little ill, in fact, and put away the bread roll after a single bite.

"Anyway, what was I saying — the mashiach! My heart just breaks every time I hear someone say, 'I believe with a perfect faith in the coming of the messiah'. Though he do tarry indeed. I think this is the first time I've wanted to be in better standing so I could report him."

"I'll tell you what, next time I'll spike his cup at seder with quinine. It'll taste absolutely horrid. That's a great temptation, actually, since he's probably going to be thinking twice about every single cup from then on."

"Quinine won't hurt him or anything, though, will it?"

"Angel, he's _immortal_. Hurt is immaterial." Crowley was embarrassed at how quickly Aziraphale making eye contact with him made him fold. "Yes, he'll be absolutely fine, it just tastes really bitter. Do you not know what quinine is? Would've thought you did, with all your love of food."

"Bitter isn't really my area," Aziraphale said, shrugging. "Though — was quinine one of ours? For the mosquitos?"

"I thought it was one of ours," Crowley said. "What with the bitterness. It's entirely possible we've both got it filed away somewhere."

"Possibly," Aziraphale said.

They walked in silence for some time before Aziraphale said, "Maybe Eliyahu is working for both sides. Not deliberately, of course, but sowing that much discord must pop up on He— on Down There's radar, as it were."

"You're thinking far too highly of Hell's technology, angel. We're still on a paper filing system."

"Paper! I must admit I do like the physicality of paper, but we haven't done paper in centuries."

"It's a nightmare trying to remember everything, I can tell you. Look, let's go to the park — we can feed the ducks and you can do some minor blessings on children or something. You'll just be stewing about Eliyahu if you don't."

“Fine,” Aziraphale said, still frowning.

“And angel — I don’t think olam haba would have sushi restaurants if your side starts it, either.”

Aziraphale paused, clearly struck between how much he wanted good things for the Earth and how much he wanted sushi.

“I… I guess I won’t report him, then,” he said at last. “Best not to tempt them.”

Crowley snorted. “Best not.”

**Author's Note:**

> come yell about Good Omens with me on twitter at @emmahpft or on tumblr @ facingthenorthwind.
> 
> Glossary time!  
> Lifecycle event — a significant event in someone’s life, such as a circumcision, a wedding or a funeral. More info +here.
> 
> Brit milah (pl. britot milah) — lit. “covenant of circumcision”, it’s the ritual circumcision that Jewish babies with penises go through when they’re 8 days old. There’s a chair next to the person holding the baby that’s left empty and designated Eliyahu’s Chair. The baby is briefly placed in it because Eliyahu (as well as being cursed to see the continuity of the Jewish people forever, haha get wrecked) is also in charge of foretelling the coming of the messiah, and every baby could possibly be the messiah. We are a people of eternal optimism. 
> 
> Shabbat — Sabbath. You wear fancy clothes on Shabbat because it’s part of honouring Shabbat, the day of rest. Shabbat best is comparable to Sunday best.
> 
> Eliyahu HaNavi — Elijah the Prophet. He’s a figure in the Book of Kings who so despairs of the Jewish people that he begs for death. After some other shenanigans, God then takes Elijah up in a flaming chariot instead of killing him, rendering him immortal, and then forces him to attend every circumcision and every Pesach seder. God has a sense of humour, I guess.
> 
> Seder — the fancy ritual dinner party you have on the first night of Pesach/Passover, where you retell the story of the Exodus. Eliyahu is welcomed in near the end and given a cup of wine. 
> 
> Mashiach — the messiah, a person who will come and usher in the Messianic Age, a time of peace and prosperity for everyone.
> 
> I believe with a perfect faith in the coming of the messiah; though he does tarry, I still believe — one of Maimonides Thirteen Articles of Faith, his idea of the 13 things Jews have to believe. (It is remarkable how little Jews have to agree to all be Jews, so… not everyone has necessarily adopted these. They are very well-known though.)
> 
> Olam haba — the world to come (after the Messiah). I imagine that it's the Antichrist that starts things if Hell kicks it off, but the Messiah if Heaven does. I don't know how theologically defensible that is, but shh.


End file.
